“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Danger is very dangerous
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I have never related to anyone more.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.