Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
when nothing goes right… go left
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing