Uh oh 👀
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
🙄😏😂🤣
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.