uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
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1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Ah yes. The three genders
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.