Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Smells like a challenge to me
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through