Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
You Might Also Like
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Mad Max: Furry Road
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE