“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
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Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.