@johnvvariety

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

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@TheHyyyype

1995: oh cool, an online book store

2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”

@Thynebear

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

@ehdannyboy

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

@Mardigroan

There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.

@panmidwest

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

@thrill_tweeter

[At the job interview]

“Why did you leave your last job?”

“They took a vote.”

@iRowlf

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

@Brentweets

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

@ACartoonCat

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.