uh oh
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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Bruh PLEASE
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?