uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
You Might Also Like
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Found my door mat
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit