uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
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Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.