Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.