“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
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sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”