UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
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I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?