UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
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Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
He just like my cat fr
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
he looks great for his age
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
No way!
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
what could possibly go wrong?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting