Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?