Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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I’m ready for Halloween this year
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
These are my roll models.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real