Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams