Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
You Might Also Like
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
How does one answer this?
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda