Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
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cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
🤣🤣🤣
Pretty much! 😂👀
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”