umm…
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[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
no one likes gloating
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
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