Ummm 😳
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Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
old twitter is back baby
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.