Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
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At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.