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There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Science memes
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
