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My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive