What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
I occasionally drink every single night.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine