Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
You Might Also Like
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Good morning y’all ☀️
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.