Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
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I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
good let them take over I have had enough
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?