[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.