[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
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You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Coffee for people with no kids
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]