Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
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Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.