[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
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My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Here’s a meme
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??