Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.