undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
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Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Two types of dogs.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.