[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
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You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.