[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Just got to our Airbnb!
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.