[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait