(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
“OMGJK” -atheists
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Ken is short for chicken
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.