Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.