*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
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WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
my dog when i have a friend over
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash