Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
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I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Nothing.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.