Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You Might Also Like
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not