Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
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*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
This is my bus stop.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
🤣🤣🤣
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.