Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I am also baked goods
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.