Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
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This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Doggies just call it style.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.