Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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There is wisdom there.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away