Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house