Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
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*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
#Caturday
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.