Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse