Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.