UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
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Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever