Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
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wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
THIS HEADLINE
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?