*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
it is time once again
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.